Dear, Reader,
I don’t even remember what prompted the very first fact finding I conducted. I just remember feeling weird about the fact that a 20 something (me) was asking a grown adult woman, well into her career, why she didn’t feel the need to take accountability for her actions. This woman had life experience. She was in charge of stuff. She knew things. She should know better. Shouldn’t she?
Instead of taking responsibility, she deflected and got snarky with me. I considered that while I didn't appreciate her tone, maybe she was right. Maybe she shouldn’t be disciplined. Maybe she was justified. At the time, I couldn’t tell if this was just me objectively looking at the incident from all angles...or if I was just deferring to her because of her position.
What I know now is this.
Not all deference is deserved.
It wasn't that she had a valid point. It was that she seemed like the kind of person I shouldn’t challenge.
The power dynamic at play here is what I call positional alignment with the “ideal type.” Her title, her tenure, her connections with other members of management. These markers positioned her as someone whose authority shouldn't be questioned. Questioning the legitimacy of her responses wasn't the problem. The problem was why I almost didn't. I felt compelled to align with her because of what she represented, not because she earned it.
She ended up with an appropriate consequence. But the temptation to let her off the hook was strong. I suspect she was used to getting her way, shirking responsibility, blaming others. The impact of unchecked deference is that we unknowingly build a protective buffer of privilege around people like her. Each deference is another brick. The higher the wall gets, the more people feel entitled to use their “ideal type” to avoid accountability. It’s a reciprocal cycle that's easy to overlook.
Consider how water finds a groove. It starts small, then carves a path into the rock, following the path that’s been created for it. Over time, that groove becomes a stream, then a river, then a canyon. The water had no idea it could go any other direction. It just follows the path.
Similarly, if you’ve been conditioned to defer to authority over your own instincts or judgment, you almost certainly will follow that groove. The buffer of privilege doesn’t just passively exist. It’s actively built by people who keep aligning with it.
To be clear, this is not victim blaming. It's about gaining awareness. The intervention point shouldn't only occur when a person misuses their power. It starts with noticing the moment where you start calculating whether someone’s “type” earns them deference. Noticing that is what allows you to interrupt the pattern.
I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have a neat answer to this. What I do know is that clarity about a problem makes a solution more likely. Here's something simple that's worked for me. Mind you, I haven't done it perfectly, but I've done it consistently:
- Pause the transaction/conversation. Ask for time. Let me think about this and come back to you. This is a legitimate and reasonable ask. It's also countercultural for women who’ve been conditioned to smooth over, yield, and resolve tension immediately. Asking for space is itself a power move.
- Reflect. Ask yourself: Why did I feel the need to defer? Was it their title or did they actually have a valid point? And during your reflection, don’t underestimate the power of “me too.” Phone a friend. Call a co-worker. Sometimes clarity comes through shared experiences and conversation.
Put this on a post-it note where can see it. Tell a friend you're committed to practicing it. Maybe she'll want to join you. You won't catch yourself every time, but the awareness itself is huge. The practice will help you create a new groove...your groove.
With you in the unraveling,
~Kara
DISCLAIMER: The content in this email is for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional mental health, medical, or other advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of a licensed healthcare provider or mental health professional with any questions you may have regarding your well-being. Never ignore or delay seeking professional help because of something you read in this email or on my website.
