Dear, Reader,

During a recent girls night, my best friend and I got to talking about how differently we’ve experienced our faith. She grew up in a super small town. So small that she likes to brag about the day her town got its first four-way flashing light. Additionally, she was the youngest of five kids AND a pastor’s kid. She legit lived in a fishbowl. The pressure to “be good” and follow the rules was intense. She also was/is strong willed, confident, and not afraid to speak her mind. As an adult, she looks back with appreciation on those days because she felt it gave her the freedom and safety to explore beyond the rules.

I lived a quieter childhood. Similar to my friend, I was super involved in my church community, but I was an only child who aside from a few close friends, spent most of my time with my family. I was also compliant and agreeable. The pressure to be good and follow the rules was also intense for me, but I rarely felt compelled to push back on them. It wasn't allowed and I didn't want to disrupt the peace. As an adult, I look back with some appreciation, but mostly disillusionment.

At the risk of stating the obvious, there are a multitude of factors that influence how we respond to our life experiences. Personality is just one, but it intrigues me.

My friend is an Enneagram 8 and I’m an Enneagram 9w1. If you’re unfamiliar, the Enneagram sorts personality into nine types based on core motivation and fear, not surface traits. An 8 is known as “the challenger.” Direct, assertive, and in charge of her environment, her core fear is being harmed or controlled by others. A 9w1 is known as “the dreamer or negotiator.” Diplomatic and harmonious, their core fear is disconnection.

I can’t help but wonder to what extent my friend’s 8-ness gave the pressure something to push against. Whereas my 9-ness gave it nowhere to push. I simply absorbed and internalized the belief system. While I'm good at seeing other viewpoints, I never gave myself permission to have my own. It’s taken years of practice granting myself consent to even have an opinion.

You've probably experienced your own version of this. A sibling, a best friend, someone who grew up in the same house or church as you and came out the other side with completely different wiring. Same rules, same pressure, different response.

I’m curious to hear about your experience. And if you want to dive deeper into the Enneagram, here's a free quiz. (Side note: You’ll get a graphic showing you your dominate type with the option to pay for a full report. Or you can do what I did and do some free Googling). Come back and tell me what you got!

With you in the unraveling,

~Kara

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