Dear, Reader,

To finish up this three part series on unearned deference, I’d like to dive one level deeper and talk about what happens internally when we defer. Let’s go back to the library scene, shall we? So there I was pacing the aisle of books, Bible open, willing something spontaneous (aka: from the Holy Spirit) to leap off the page. I was legit white knuckling my way to fixing my prayer life so I could perform this prayer leader role “the right way.”

What my body believed in that moment was that I wasn’t good or capable or spiritual enough. What was ACTUALLY true was that I just operate differently. I need preparation and deliberation. It’s not right or wrong. Just different. For example, despite the fact that I’ve been in my current career for decades and know the work like the back of my hand, I still need time to think. The answers aren’t always at the front of my mind. It took awhile to realize I was allowed and deserved to ask for that space and time. But in that moment in the library, my body told me: I’m not doing it right. I have to fix this. And fix it yesterday.

So, where does this idea that spontaneous prayer = spiritual maturity come from? For me, I think I just accepted it as a basic truth and never questioned it. Everyone in this group could spontaneously pray and play music. Everyone in this group appeared to be “in flow” with the Holy Spirit. I could not do these things. Therefore, they were doing it right and I was doing it wrong. Even though I intellectually knew that wasn't not logical, when it came to matters of spirituality, the rule I apparently inherited was to override my logic.

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The question of the day is how do we notice what’s happening inside so we can interrupt this pattern? It may be different for you, but what it looks like for me is overfunctioning. I start to feel like that tragic piece of art where the robot has an oil leak and the only way it can stay alive is by scooping the oil back into its system. But the energy it expends by doing this is slowly killing it. This is what deference looks like on the inside. Not a conscious decision - a body state.

When I feel that internal leak, it’s rarely just about being overwhelmed with the tasks in front of me. It’s usually a signal that I’ve accepted someone else’s standard for what “doing it right” looks like. My body then tries to compensate by overfunctioning. Pausing and externalizing it - out loud, on paper, whatever works for you - is the key. What's true? What's just a story I've created? This is how I interrupt the pattern.

This week, notice the leaks.

With you in the unraveling,

Kara

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