Dear, Reader,

One of my creative outlets in high school included writing bible verses against a colorful pastel backdrop. Picture a tie dye vibe with an edgy 90s grunge font. One of the favorites I made for myself was the verse from Romans 5:3-4: …we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

This verse brought me a lot of peace and stability during a disorienting stretch of life. Until you get old enough to realize everyone is making it up as they go, EVERYTHING seems like a big deal. To be fair, there were a lot of major life decisions.

• Are my grades good enough to get into this college?
• What do I want to major in?
• Where am I going to live?
• Will I get married and have kids?
• Am I on the “right” track?

The verse itself is not problematic so much as the binary thinking that results. It’s the conditioning that tells you nothing is worth doing if you’re not suffering. And more than that, if you ARE suffering, it means you’re closer to Christ. So, your brain automatically thinks the opposite must be true. You can’t enjoy life TOO much because that means you’re shallow and drifting away from the Lord.

Anyone else ever take a perfectly enjoyable moment and manufacture misery just to get back to a proper baseline? No? Just me?

Even if you’ve done a lot of healing around this way of thinking, sometimes the old conditioning still crops up. It’s that good old Puritan work ethic expressing itself through the evangelical subculture: self-denial as devotion, suffering as proof, ease as spiritual laziness.

That said, it's not as if I was completely sheltered from other viewpoints. I also learned the best thing I could do with my life, to quote Howard Thurman, was:

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

So, why couldn’t I hold two truths? Why couldn’t I make space for the idea that you can work hard AND be deeply fulfilled?

It wasn’t a glitch in my logic. It’s because systems that require compliance need you to think in categories. In/out. Sacred/secular. Devoted/falling away. Binary thinking is one of the primary ways institutions maintain their power. It’s baked into the structure.

The moment you start asking what makes you come alive, you’ve stopped asking if you’re good enough. That’s problematic for a system whose power depends on you obsessing over that question. And wasn’t that the goal? To be a “good” woman? To measure yourself against an external standard that someone set on your behalf? To follow a framework that didn’t necessarily promote your agency and personal freedom?

To be clear, this isn’t an attack on faith. It’s a question about power.

And so I leave you with this question.

Who benefits from you obsessing over being a good woman, following the rules, deciding you’re never enough?

With you in the unraveling,

~Kara

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